We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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