The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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