New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
