I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize