is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
