why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
