I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
