I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
