as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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