He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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