Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
