swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
