me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize