This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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