I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
