8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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