just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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