I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
