just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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