I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
