I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
