listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize