Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
