hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Every concussion has its silver lining
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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