Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
