do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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