yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
