I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
