Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
