haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
