Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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