hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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