it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
