she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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