i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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