i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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