He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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