come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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