So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
