I think I died a long time ago.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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