Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
