Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
