sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
