I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
