when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
