Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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