If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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