last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize