Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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