My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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