I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
