so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
