You're so nebulous sometimes
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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