happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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