1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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