When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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