I want to have your abortion
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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