I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
