Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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