There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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