I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
