if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
