Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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