good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
