Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
